ouch...!!!

why...?, when i knew that he had already a girlfriend parang hindi ko yata matanggap.... though i know na hindi ko na siya crush but still i think the pain is still there... i don't know why pero medyo nabigla ako... my friendly friends asked me kung lang ba ako you know, and as usual of course i denied it to them... i don't know why but i really don't wanna let them know about it... hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari pag nalaman nila ang tungkol dito.... as of now napapansin ko lang, lagi ako napipikon sa kanya, parang hindi ko ma take ang mga kalokohan na ginagawa niya, yun ba sabi nila na ina away ako; ewan ko kung bakit... the truth was i really dont know up to this moment if i still have a crush on him kuno...! kasi minsan nasaktan talaga ako nang sinabi niya na hindi kami close (well hindi naman talaga...!) tapos i ask him i favor na hindi niya ginawa kasi nga hindi naman raw kami close nor friends.... as in na hurt talaga ako i never expected na sasabihin niya sa akin pa mismo... halos maiyak ako sa harapan niya pero buti na lang napigilan ko... hindi ko nga halos maintindihan ang mga pinag gagawa ko nun that time sa kaiisip kung bakit niya yun nasabi... well unfortunately sa ngayon i accepted it na kasi wala rin naman ako magawa... kaya nga medyo iniiwasan ko siya minsan ayaw ko lumapit ni kausapin not unless siya ang nauna ok lang... pero kung ako mauna...? never...! over my dead soul...! naisip ko ko nga, bakit pa ba ako nagka crush sa kanya...? yes guwapo siya, mabait rin naman, hindi ko lang alam kung gentleman siya... sabi nila suplado raw..., wala rin ako masabi.... basta sa ngayon para sa akin unti - unti ko na sinasanay ang sarili ko na hindi siya lapitan... hindi sa ayaw ko mapalapit sa kanya, kaya lang siguro natatakot lang ako na tuluyan na mahulog sa kanya... ngayon nga hindi ko pa rin matanggap na may crush raw ako sa kanya (kuno..!) how much more kung magkalapit kami... ano ba talaga ang dapat ko gawin...? dahil sa totoo lang nahihirapan na rin ako...

what............?!!!

last year, there's this certain guy that really caught my attention., at first i didn't wan't to entertain it but as time goes by its like it was always him hmm... let say siya ang lagi ko nakikita, ewan ko ba kung bakit. i immediately told my friend just right beside me and pointed to her the guy that i just saw and i was right we both had the same reaction about him, 'guwapo siya'... she even told me (my classmate) that they were schoolmate before during her high school years, hay how small the world is talaga... from then on that guy which i will call him at the moment as 'star' was always on my mind (ows....?!), i even had a picture on him during a certain event that made my attraction to him grow stronger., but because of our projects that made us busy of course hindi ko na siya masyado nakikita kasabay ng pa unti - unit pagka wala ng attraction ko sa kanya, i dont know why basta yun na yun... during our second semester we became classmates in on of my majors, and at that time parang wala lang, and mas nakilala ko siya at tama nga ang sabi ng friend ko na mabait siya.... i was wondering then why...? kung kailan na mas palagi ko na siya nakikita at makakausap parang wala yung feeling nung una ko siya makita parang spark ba o magic i dont know... to the point that i conclude that what i'm feeling for from the first time that i saw him was gone hindi ko alam kung bakit.... hanggang sa mag end ang 2nd semester class namin w/o explaining what i was really feeling about him... and again we became classmate at the start of the first sem just this year and i was determined that i don't have a crush on him anymore... but... but... but there's this certain event that just happened right after 1st semester class of this school year ended that made me realized if my feelings for him was really gone... i didn't expect naman kasi that he would do that such thing to me that might as well will make the other girls giggles... according to my friendly friends whom i was with during that escapade 'its like he took the authority in taking care of me' well at first i don't believe kasi naman who would have though that a guy like him will you know make all the necessary things just to make sure i'm all safe and alright...but then as i slowly remember it's like that's when i realized if my feelings for him was still there... ewan ko ba habang naaalala koduring those times na nag rereminisce ako sa escapade parang unti-unti rin bumabalik you know my feelings for him... pero crush lang nothing exceeds... but some of friendly friends na nakasama ko sa escapade kinukulit ako kung natuluyan na ba talaga ako sa kanya... but my answer to them is NO...! kasi hindi ko matanggap na bumalik yung feelings ko sa kanya.... honestly kasi though we both all know na age doesn't matter but still i can't accept the fact na mas bata siya sa akin and... ayaw ko sa chain smoker talgang turn off sa akin yun.. pero that's not the point nor the question., the question is kung natuluyan ba talaga ako sa kanya i admitted to them naman kasi na before he was my crush but that then before hindi na ngayon pero mostly sa kanila hindi naniniwala, well i don't care problema na nila yun... well sa ngayon unti - unti ko na tinatanggap na crush ko na siya ulit., sana lang hindi niya malaman kasi i don't want to lose the kind of friendship that we had that i consider it as special....(,")

my favorite quote

life without love has no life at all.

blah... blah....

why is it that when you're telling the truth no one will believe you, but if you're not they insist it is... why do they have to tell me who am i to go with and who's not? do they really don't have that trust? well i don't know for the others but for me it is really painful when they just suddenly accuse you of something you can't think you can do it.. it's not that i don't have that confidence or whatsoever, it's like in the past few days when something is losing they will immediately think that its i who did it when in fact i do not know what's missing thus i wasn't even at the place where the incident happened., when they see that you're stuttering at the every word you say they will immediately conclude that its you... well we all know that it's a sin when you accused someone not even knowing what really happened nor getting mad but though they say that it's only you or i who was left while we're somewhere else or blah... blah... then everything and everyone around you changes, just because of that.... when you're going somewhere else they will think that you're on a date when you're not or when they see me talking w/a group of pipz they don't know they will think that i'm on something that it's just a lie when i will tell them that where just talking about our projects or the happenings around us., you see it really hurts when the only persons you can turn to are the persons who will let you down, that instead they will give you the best encouraging words to inspire me they will tell 'hey that's not good for you!' or 'they're bad influence' because of what they saw; it's like they knew already the person whom i'm going with everyday when infact it was their first time to see each other., i really can't help getting mad at them sometimes because of it. i couldn't believe that they can do it in front of me and tells you that i must not go with them anymore, because they're not doing any good to me.. if they only knew that what they're saying is hurting me., that is why sometimes i think that it's better to get beaten than hearing those painful words over and over again.... hmmmm.. do hope that someday they will realize that the words they're saying was much worse than hitting me....

hhmmmm.............

hmmm napag isip2 ko na hindi sa lahat ng oras maintindihan ka ng mga tao naka palibot sayo., it's like the feeling of emptiness when you feel like no one will understand what you're feeling you do not know anymore what to do like you just want to die at the certain moment when you're down.... bakit ganun, ang tagal2 na pero bakit parang crush ko pa rin xa hanggabg ngayon?, crush lang ba o in love na talaga ako sa kanya?, ah... ewan d ko talaga alam, kasi naman neighbors na nga kami d pa kami masyado nagkikita, medyo malayo rin naman bahay nila sa amin pero kahit na... i always deny to myself na hindi ko na xa crush nor i'm in love with him, pero kahapon lang nakita ko siya kahit naka talikod parang unti - unti bumabalik yung feeling na pilit ko ina - alis.. ano ba talaga ang dapat ko gawin? pilit ko naman tinutuon ang pansin ko sa iba para lang ma alis ang feeling ko sa kanya.. sana naman maturuan itong puso ko tumingin sa iba, parang nahihirapan na kasi ako, ang sakit2 lalo na nang malaman ko na aalis na xa indue time pag tapos niya sa kanyang second course na nursing... i know mahirap kalabanin ang puso lalo na pag love ang pinag - uusapan... sana lang...