pissed off...!

here i am again... honest to goodness i am already pissed off to those people whom i thought are real... maybe they are but its just that i don't know i felt like i'm an outsider or alien or whatsoever... i'm trying to make it like nothing happen. sometimes i think that eversince from the start they don't like me, they're just pretending to be and i'm so dumb for not noticing it. i know i need not to do anything to make people please in everything that i do because you can't please them that easy even if I wanted to. what i wanted to say is that if they don't like or to be with me i wanted them to say it in front me not with behind my back because that would make my world for sure crazy.... as of now i felt bad and pity for myself because of this situation that i am in right now... i don't know when will i be able to overcome this but i'm trying, because if i go on like this i don't know what will happen to me for the next few days that is why i hope that i will and when that time comes that will make me feel at ease again...

reflection1

just reflection for me to remind myself that lifeis really about living for God not for myself because we just borrowed it. Despite all the things that is happening around me I shouldn't forget that God is still there. I must also focus to to Him because He's the one I know who is responsible why I'm still here on earth. I should give more time to Him and focus it only to Him. Thank Him for allowing me once again to live together with the people I love and can't live without. Because if not for them aside from the up above I wouldn't be able maybe here right now. I know that I don't have the right to question God about what's happening, why there's so many obstacles that I can't almost bear, but sometimes a person can't avoid it especially if you're at a certain point where you can almost reach the thing you've always long for and yet all of a sudden it just got lost without knowing the real reason why and you have no one you can turn to. But well, that's life people will later realize that it's not right to question God in many failures that you've or I encountered (I really haven't questioned Him at all...!) but instead focus myself hardly to Him and ask for his guidance in every step that I take . Of course say sorry in all mistakes that I shouldn't have done that just cause me nothing but pain. Thank Him in every blessings that He showered upon us. People must always remember that in every happinessnthat they felt, sadness comes next whether they like it or not.

what should i do?

for some reason, sometimes i don't understand why these past few days i felt like i did nothing for good, I mean I really feel that I'm useless... sometimes i tried to smile to hide the pain or laugh to cover the hurt i felt inside... we know that life never seems the way we want it but we try so hard to live the best we can. i know that if you're inlove you need not to ask advice from the others because it's better to think that you're hurt because of you're own decision rather than to accept the wrong move you've done because of listening to others. they say that at some point we hate the person who hurt us, but what will you do if you knew that certain person..? well... i really don't know what to do either., why do we say we're ok whenever we get hurt? is this the way to show to everyone that we're brave enough to handle the pain? or just our way to pretend we're fine though we all know that we're totally broken.. on the hardest time of my life is being questioned when me myself don't even understand, trying to forget of something that i know i never will, and this time trying to part and letting go of someone that i'm beginning to love..? though it hurts but i should learn to let go... sometime we have to stop loving someone because we don't have anymore reasons to fight for what we feel. loving him was one thing i was afraid of and i was certainly right because it hurts, it's hard to love him when I know I can never have him in any ways I wanted especially when i think that I've already admitted to myself that I've already fallen for that someone. it's really hard to go on while you love someone secretly and it hurts when seeing your love with someone else... this heart of mine sometimes speaks of so much things or feelings to this someone i knew i thought was listening but i was very wrong because all along this person never even dared to listen... I always say that I'm afraid to get hurt that is why I can't even admit to this someone what i really felt and ends up saying 'shit!'... sometimes i think that love is stupid because i tend to love someone who i know can't love me. i know feelings must be expressed, but for me i just can't and i think I never will.

is it...?

hmm... just wanted to say or ask this, "does pain can really melt away the love?"

why

well yesterday for me it was so tiring, it's not that i did something the whole day to make me feel exhausted it's just that i was getting tired of hearing the people around me telling me this 'what if he was the one...?' or 'what will i do if one day he will...? urgh..! its making me sick! i do admit that I told to them that he was my crush, but... but... but... that was before and we've talked about it for so many times like i started to feel of being a 'pirated cd'., why? because of those for me a unnerving questions that they always asked... i always told them that it is very much impossible, the thing or whatsoever they wanted to happen between me and him... then they will say that i can't say no or deny because as they say i was very obvious, was I? for them to be satisfied I kept myself quiet and tell them nothing. they say that why would I be so afraid of confiding to them my true feeelings for him..? i just reply i can't tell you anything about it yet because i myself don't even understand or don't know., or maybe i was just afraid to know of what will be the answer.. well, this past few days or weeks i was thinking or rather lets say reflecting that 'what if?' asked so many questions like 'do i still have feelings for him?.' to my surprise i think my answer would be 'yes?'... but... but.. but... again that would be subject to confirm, because i'm not yet sure, I really am. I still have one thing to do before confirming it and that is to talk to him, not about my feelings but it is what my friend and I did to him... I know for me was not that seriouse but then again I don't know what is it for him.. We're not even in good terms as of now. My collegues says that 'that was a few months ago' and i just told them that 'I know and you both know very well that we're not that close' and we both had this attitude 'hot temper', that's why we can't face to each other without yelling or shouting and that is why I always remind myself not to think about it of what my friends was longing to happen for us... As of the moment I see to it that if possible I must avoid that whenever we had this small talk or bonding that the topic will be me and him because I just don't want to not unless what I wanted to do will be granted..