why

well yesterday for me it was so tiring, it's not that i did something the whole day to make me feel exhausted it's just that i was getting tired of hearing the people around me telling me this 'what if he was the one...?' or 'what will i do if one day he will...? urgh..! its making me sick! i do admit that I told to them that he was my crush, but... but... but... that was before and we've talked about it for so many times like i started to feel of being a 'pirated cd'., why? because of those for me a unnerving questions that they always asked... i always told them that it is very much impossible, the thing or whatsoever they wanted to happen between me and him... then they will say that i can't say no or deny because as they say i was very obvious, was I? for them to be satisfied I kept myself quiet and tell them nothing. they say that why would I be so afraid of confiding to them my true feeelings for him..? i just reply i can't tell you anything about it yet because i myself don't even understand or don't know., or maybe i was just afraid to know of what will be the answer.. well, this past few days or weeks i was thinking or rather lets say reflecting that 'what if?' asked so many questions like 'do i still have feelings for him?.' to my surprise i think my answer would be 'yes?'... but... but.. but... again that would be subject to confirm, because i'm not yet sure, I really am. I still have one thing to do before confirming it and that is to talk to him, not about my feelings but it is what my friend and I did to him... I know for me was not that seriouse but then again I don't know what is it for him.. We're not even in good terms as of now. My collegues says that 'that was a few months ago' and i just told them that 'I know and you both know very well that we're not that close' and we both had this attitude 'hot temper', that's why we can't face to each other without yelling or shouting and that is why I always remind myself not to think about it of what my friends was longing to happen for us... As of the moment I see to it that if possible I must avoid that whenever we had this small talk or bonding that the topic will be me and him because I just don't want to not unless what I wanted to do will be granted..